The Financial Crisis was a Hoax. The global casino is open again.

No worries! You actually believed there was a problem when Paulson and Bernanke threatened Congress last year with Martial Law; to blast the U.S. economy back to the 16th century; to crash the market unless ransom was paid requiring each American to fork over $100,000, give or take, in impossible-to-payback future loans today to add to the hundreds of thousands of dollars each American already owes forever?

HAHAHA. It’s all good, bro. Goldman Sachs and the other cruel sisters of syphilitic lending are reporting huge profits and bonuses. Analysts are begging Wall St. to raise their debt ratios and risk profiles to increase leverage to thousands of times equity back to where it was before their competition BearSteans and Lehman Brothers were murdered. The bubble machine is whipping up cash like cotton candy machines at the end of an endless pier stretched over an ocean of easy credit, pay check loans and Cash for Clunkers.

All efforts to remove the investment banking tapeworm from our collective colon have failed, but that’s a good thing. We poked the monster at 85 Broad St. and made it angrier and greedier in ways never thought possible and daddy’s feeling fine. Ain’t no audit going on at the Fed, bud. I’m so happy I could just plotz. You’re gonna LOVE what happens next. Insatiable greed meets infinite moral hazard when Goldman eats the Fed.

We’re on the cusp of another financial eclipse. The Shadow of Wall St.’s banking pyramid is covering the U.S. dollar in a blanket of Chinese sell orders.

Embrace the moment. While Wall St. has been off-loading last year’s crooked schemes: CDOs, High Frequency Trading, and Ponzi profits engineered by pilot-less computers firing a million trades a second into the heart of capitalism. A whole new generation is waiting in the wings to get cold-called from Wall St. and sold a few thousand shares of today’s hot IPO:

NEW YORK (Reuters) – PennyMac Mortgage Investment Trust (PMT.N), which buys distressed home loans and is run by several former Countrywide Financial Corp executives, on Wednesday raised $320 million from an initial public offering, $80 million less than planned.
The Calabasas, California-based company sold 16 million shares at $20 each. It had on July 16 projected an offering of 20 million shares at $20 each. The company had also said it hoped to raise $400 million from the offering. The company plans to operate as a real estate investment trust. Its shares are expected to begin trading on Thursday on the New York Stock Exchange under the symbol “PMT.” Bank of America Merrill Lynch, Credit Suisse and Deutsche Bank Securities Inc arranged the IPO.

Your neighbor will be ‘making a killing’ as re-re-re-repackaged sub-sub-sub-prime debts bought from the government – who bought them from Goldman – who bought them from the government before skyrocketing from $20 to $2,000 while you relax aboard the Virgin Galactic to outer space.

The CCX (Chicago Climate Exchange) owned in part by the same double dealing banks that have been rigging the game in New York, Beijing, Tokyo, Moscow and all points in between invites you to play in the carbon futures market. In the UK, DTQs (Domestic Tradable Quotas) give homeless people a swipe card that will top up with credits as a result of having relatively minuscule carbon ‘footprints.’ Greed and good will finally be trading side-by-side 24/7 and anyone looking to hedge their wickedness can go long altruism for pennies on the dollar.

Political futures will become much bigger as state economies fail and gambling becomes legalized. Sites like InTrade that offer ways for punters to make political bets will bloom. Some bet that Obama would be President when his chances were less than 5% did and made a bundle. The McCain camp tried to manipulate that market. Remember? But you knew that. That’s why you shorted McCain at the top!

Hollywood futures will be much bigger. Look for studios to sabotage each other’s projects by short selling and ‘naked’ short selling competing projects on the Cantor Exchange to drive the perception of a film’s popularity down before it’s released. No problem, just spend more on marketing. More money will be made trading box office futures than at the box office. Inside information will become legal. Milton Friedman will rise from the dead and advise the Honduran government. Brat Pitt will star.

High Frequency Trading (HFT) aka ‘flash trading’ will continue to grow exponentially. Trading will become so fast, time itself will have a public offering after Microsoft secures a patent on it and trading time futures will catapult traders backwards and forwards through time until they need bailouts on debts they have not yet incurred. Tim Geithner will sell his house in Larchmont.

Cloning time traders will get Congressional approval confusing the boundary between time and money further causing Warren Buffet to pass a kidney stone that looks exactly like Larry Ellison. Time Bandits will steal the DNA of time trading clones and sell the proprietary code to a Japanese housewife who will use it to crash the Icelandic Krona (again) because she thinks she’s over paying for a plate of sushi in Reykjavik.

People will start taking themselves public on new Citizen Exchanges created by Obama; commit public sex acts to boost their stock price then short themselves before committing suicide to cash in out-of-the-money puts they bought on themselves. As a result, the porn industry will need a bailout.

Babies will abort themselves to avoid declaring bankruptcy on charges racked up on in vitro credit cards force-sold to them by Visa through their Verizon owned umbilical cords.

Facebook and Twitter will go public and will each have market caps bigger than Google causing the NASDAQ to shoot to all time new highs. Users will tweet and blog for insider stock. Perez Hilton will become a billionaire. The more you look in the mirror the more you get paid. Narcissism will get monetized by the Feds with some help by Nassim Taleb.

Thanks Lloyd Blankfein, current CEO of Goldman Sachs and future President of the United States. We are eternally in your debt.